i've been thinking. or recalling. whichever. i know i'm wrong and i made a couple of mistakes, but sometimes, i just wish others were less sensitive? idk. or am i the one who's not sensitive enough to realise stuff that have happened?

it's sad that things have to end this way. though i really want to say something to you, but i think i'll just leave it where it stands. both of us don't stand to gain anything if we continue to drag this on and on. we'll probably only feel pain, anger, maybe even hatred. no, i don't hate you. i can't bring myself to hate you. to me, you're still someone who i still look up to and respect. that can't change, cause that's my image of you. you're the wise, calm and composed one, who's the total opposite of me. i really really viewed you as my senior, cause technically, you are. i won't be mushy about things, so i won't use the term i've always used for you. i hate to rebut you, but i really just wanna say i didn't disappear under _____ it's not as if i disappeared or treated you as invisible ok? i really tried. when i tried talking to you about _____ it's cause idk how else to initiate conversation with you. i thought something like that might interest you. i know i know. you know everything before i do. but please be a little more understanding. i was really trying to talk but you kept putting me down. so in the end, i just gave up. it was painful giving up. but at least i know i tried. it might not seem that way to you, i'm not sure. you probably think i should be blamed for most part of it. i'll just accept whatever you have to say. i have no right to scream back or be angry at you for anything- supposing i'm the one who 'changed' according to you. so i'm at fault. ok. i accept that. i can't bear to be pissed at you cause of all the respect i have for you. if you don't understand this then, i'm so sorry. it's the best way i can express my feelings. i rarely look up to someone like this. maybe you're the first one. it's hard to just let the matter rest like that and let you go. i think if things stay this way, i'd carry this burden for the rest of my life. but i'll take it. i'll shoulder everything. fine. i'll be great. if you ever read this, don't you ever worry about me. i know i'll be fine without you. i'll be fine, just great. life really couldn't get any better than the way it is now.